This is fact not fiction, for the first time in years.
That’s actually very true for me. I must have been a child the last time that I spoke about everything that I felt and thought. It feels great to finally gasp for air after being choked for so long. People need this. Humans need a chance to share the indices of their hearts with others in order to contain their humanity; or at least their sanity.
The sun today was breath-takingly stunning.
I went to the farm with my two nephews and my sister. Didn’t particularly enjoy the farm but what I did enjoy was the laying down in the mahoosive park nearby. My mind was racing about great it is to just lay here… still… almost lifeless… letting the sun steal my body, not my mind. I loved being able to simply exist without humanity in my face all the bloody time.
Death Cab For Cutie was bursting in my ears and I let it.
Of course all the peace was snatched from me by those who share my blood. It’s almost as if I am not my own person, I am deprived of my own luxuries. That’s what they do best: steal my smile and slap it on their own faces…
But I can never ever blame them.
Because it’s me who just says ‘yes’ to everything, mindlessly. Some nights I just lay there wondering how I’m going to say NO next time. Do I ever get around to saying it?! Of course not… That’s why no one knows me… What I want… Who I am! Apart from you of course.
I’ve always made up excuses like
“it doesn’t matter about what I want.”
“I don’t care and want this!”
Saying that sooooooo many times results in me forgetting who I really am.
The first step to resolving problems is admitting there is a problem.
At least I’ve got that covered!!
That’s why we need emotions… OTHERWISE WE’LL ALL GO BATSHIT CRAZY!!
Other than that… I’ve been reading My Sister’s Keeper – Jodi Picoult. Jodi is definitely my favourite author and I’m on a marathon to read all her heart-snatching books. So when I finish hopefully will write about it.
Her books are the only evidence I have to prove that I have a heart in my chest.
~ living in the atmosphere; learning who I am